Good Grief
When I tell someone that I support grieving people who have suffered a significant loss (of different types, not just from death), I am often met with remarks such as, “Wow, that must be hard, exhausting work,” or, “How do you deal with all that sadness?”
Of course, this work can be emotionally draining at times, but for the most part, grief support is actually some of the most energizing work I’ve ever done. This is because I experience some of the deepest, most profound connection to other humans when helping them process their grief.
Although our culture tends to view grief as “taboo” territory, I believe that it needs to be embraced, because doing so facilitates what many people need most—meaningful, heartfelt connection.
Perhaps the most simple reason why we need to be open to exploring grief is because EVERYone experiences loss of some kind in their life. It’s one of the few universal truths and one of the best reminders of our oneness.
Yet, we shy away from it because discussing the hurt that goes along with experiencing loss is often uncomfortable.
That may be true, but what’s absolutely true is that suppressed pain yields more pain, which yields even more discomfort over time.
Put another way, unresolved grief is a primary factor in the perpetuation of negative behaviors in relationships, even from generation to generation.
If our society welcomed more discussion about grief, I believe people’s emotional pain would be diminished to some degree.
Of course, this work can be emotionally draining at times, but for the most part, grief support is actually some of the most energizing work I’ve ever done. This is because I experience some of the deepest, most profound connection to other humans when helping them process their grief.
Although our culture tends to view grief as “taboo” territory, I believe that it needs to be embraced, because doing so facilitates what many people need most—meaningful, heartfelt connection.
Perhaps the most simple reason why we need to be open to exploring grief is because EVERYone experiences loss of some kind in their life. It’s one of the few universal truths and one of the best reminders of our oneness.
Yet, we shy away from it because discussing the hurt that goes along with experiencing loss is often uncomfortable.
That may be true, but what’s absolutely true is that suppressed pain yields more pain, which yields even more discomfort over time.
Put another way, unresolved grief is a primary factor in the perpetuation of negative behaviors in relationships, even from generation to generation.
If our society welcomed more discussion about grief, I believe people’s emotional pain would be diminished to some degree.
The basic experience of being seen and heard, especially when enduring the conflicting emotions associated with a loss, is huge. It’s a fundamental human need that we all crave.
While this would be enough for some, we could go even a step further and validate grievers’ feelings, rather than try to soothe them with ideas that appeal to their intellect instead of their heart, which is our culture’s tendency.
Consider this exchange: a friend is beside herself after a breakup with a significant other and many people tell her, “That one wasn’t for you, you can do better. Let’s go out and you can meet new people.”
While there are good intentions in this scenario, the words and actions do not address the griever and her needs.
Alternatively, one could actually help diminish the broken-hearted’s pain by offering, “I’m so sorry the relationship ended. I can imagine how hard this is…want to tell me about it, or would a hug be most supportive right now?”
By inviting the hurt to have some space, it’s likely that it won’t be as painful in the long run as taking the “Stuff and Go” approach, i.e. suppressing feelings and quickly moving on. Plus, the two friends would bond by giving in to some level of initial discomfort (READ: vulnerability).
I’m not so naive as to think that discussing grief could be as commonplace as talking about a great night out to eat; indeed, I’m the first to acknowledge that experiencing and sharing grief IS extremely hard and exhausting.
But avoiding grief is much harder and therefore more exhausting, and ultimately worse for our well-being.
Both approaches involve some discomfort, but one connects while the other isolates.
Suffice it to say that I’ll take my discomfort with a side of connection. And for dessert, I’ll enjoy diminished emotional pain.
While this would be enough for some, we could go even a step further and validate grievers’ feelings, rather than try to soothe them with ideas that appeal to their intellect instead of their heart, which is our culture’s tendency.
Consider this exchange: a friend is beside herself after a breakup with a significant other and many people tell her, “That one wasn’t for you, you can do better. Let’s go out and you can meet new people.”
While there are good intentions in this scenario, the words and actions do not address the griever and her needs.
Alternatively, one could actually help diminish the broken-hearted’s pain by offering, “I’m so sorry the relationship ended. I can imagine how hard this is…want to tell me about it, or would a hug be most supportive right now?”
By inviting the hurt to have some space, it’s likely that it won’t be as painful in the long run as taking the “Stuff and Go” approach, i.e. suppressing feelings and quickly moving on. Plus, the two friends would bond by giving in to some level of initial discomfort (READ: vulnerability).
I’m not so naive as to think that discussing grief could be as commonplace as talking about a great night out to eat; indeed, I’m the first to acknowledge that experiencing and sharing grief IS extremely hard and exhausting.
But avoiding grief is much harder and therefore more exhausting, and ultimately worse for our well-being.
Both approaches involve some discomfort, but one connects while the other isolates.
Suffice it to say that I’ll take my discomfort with a side of connection. And for dessert, I’ll enjoy diminished emotional pain.